Starting over

Well starting over was not easy. I knew I had a long road ahead of me raising two children (at the time they were 6 and 8) was definitely not going to be easy but I knew I could not go back to that man not after what he did to my son and in the coming months what I learned he had been doing for some time. DCF had become involved in my life because of what their father had done this is when I found out that my (ex) husband had been hurting my son for a while and when I asked my son 'Why didn't you tell mommy' his response was "I didn't want him to hit you anymore". Needless to say this broke my heart. My little man was protecting me. How could I let this happen, I was suppose to protect him not the other way around. That's when I knew I had to make the change to break the cycle. I had already left and gone back over and over and if I did it again my son would turn out just like his father I couldn't let that happen. I had to stay strong for my children and I will tell you that was the hardest thing to do knowing I was going to do this alone but every time I looked at my children it became easier seeing how happy they were to be away from him. Don't get me wrong even after everything that man had done the children still loved him and wanted to see him. I became stronger only because of them. My (ex) husband and I divorced in 2005. He was given supervised visitation. The first visitation was the longest of my life. It was only four hours but to me it seemed forever. I sat at home and cried I felt powerless even though I knew that they were not alone with him I still felt somehow I had let them down, but they were looking forward to seeing their father they had not seen him in at least two months. Although they were happy I was falling apart or so that's how I felt. When they came home that day I waited with open to arms to hear how their day went. They were ecstatic telling me all about the things they had done that day and looking forward to the next time they got to see 'daddy'. But when that day came he didn't call and when my son tried calling him he left him message after message with no response. I tried to comfort them telling them that maybe he got tied up at work he'll call back. That call didn't come for weeks they tried to contact him to no avail. How could he do this to them? Then one morning the call came it was a month later. When I asked him where he had been they had been calling him he responded with " I won't have someone 'babysit' me with my children I would rather not see them at all" I couldn't believe he was saying this he was their father and he had already hurt them I had to protect them and since DCF had allowed me to pick who supervised the children with him I wouldn't let him just take them on his own. (I had already chosen someone who was his friend to make it easier for him). Needless to say we argued and I hung up he didn't see them that day either. Then again another phone call the next morning this time to ask if he could see them to say goodbye, this was the day he was leaving state because of the agreement he made with the States Attorney and he wanted to see the children. I allowed it meeting him at the end of my parents driveway he gave them both a big hug told them he loved them and he promised "I'll see you soon". That day was not to come.