Single parents are not alone.

I can speak from experience that when you are a single parent no matter how big or small your support system there are often times you feel alone. The hardest part was remembering I was not alone. I, unlike so many others, was not alone I have a very loving family who was there for me every step of the way but turning to them was sometimes hard. For some reason I felt like I had to do this by myself that by asking for help I was weak. Looking back now I realize that asking for help takes a very strong person by realizing that it takes more than one person to raise happy healthy children. It doesn't have to be a competition to prove you can do it all by yourself. In actuality you need help it's not healthy mentally to try to do everything yourself. I was working a full time job and raising two children how I ever thought I didn't need any help is beyond me now. I chose to work third shift so that when my children were home and awake I could be with them and while they were at school I slept. This worked very well for a very long time but when the summer months came I slept very little, it's hard to sleep when you have two young children home they don't want you to sleep and who can blame them. Of course they wanted to be off having fun either at the beach or going to the movies. Going to the drive-in was a big deal for them and it worked for me too while they enjoyed the movie I could get a nap in although that meant I never really got to see the movies but that was okay with me as long as they were having fun. I tried to take them many places even though we didn't have much money I always tried to do something fun for them. We ate out often and I took them to amusement parks as often as I could things were going well. We lived at my parents home for about a year until they came home from Virginia that's when I got my own place where we still live we have been here for about 8 years now. It's been a very hard road I have made many mistakes along the way. I became dependent on alcohol for a few years I didn't realize at the time how much I was hurting my children. At first I was the fun mom I joked around, played games and wrestled with them but as time went on I drank more and more I started calling out of work on a regular basis and lost my job. I found another right away but it didn't take long before I started doing the same thing and again lost that job. This actually went on for a few years then the day came when I got pulled over drinking and driving although I never would drink and drive with the kids it still is a very stupid thing to do. I lost my drivers license but that didn't stop me from driving I had to get back and forth to work to support my children. I wasn't receiving child support so my job was all the money I had. I became very depressed which caused more drinking it wasn't long before I was caught yet again and charged with another DUI only this time they would not go easy on me. I hired a lawyer who told me to plead guilty, which really I was. There was no way around it I was going to jail. I couldn't believe what I had done. What I was putting my children threw, my family and myself. I honestly felt like I allowed my life to spin out of control the only thing left at that point was to put my life in HIS hands and hope for mercy from the court. Which I did not get.

Starting over

Well starting over was not easy. I knew I had a long road ahead of me raising two children (at the time they were 6 and 8) was definitely not going to be easy but I knew I could not go back to that man not after what he did to my son and in the coming months what I learned he had been doing for some time. DCF had become involved in my life because of what their father had done this is when I found out that my (ex) husband had been hurting my son for a while and when I asked my son 'Why didn't you tell mommy' his response was "I didn't want him to hit you anymore". Needless to say this broke my heart. My little man was protecting me. How could I let this happen, I was suppose to protect him not the other way around. That's when I knew I had to make the change to break the cycle. I had already left and gone back over and over and if I did it again my son would turn out just like his father I couldn't let that happen. I had to stay strong for my children and I will tell you that was the hardest thing to do knowing I was going to do this alone but every time I looked at my children it became easier seeing how happy they were to be away from him. Don't get me wrong even after everything that man had done the children still loved him and wanted to see him. I became stronger only because of them. My (ex) husband and I divorced in 2005. He was given supervised visitation. The first visitation was the longest of my life. It was only four hours but to me it seemed forever. I sat at home and cried I felt powerless even though I knew that they were not alone with him I still felt somehow I had let them down, but they were looking forward to seeing their father they had not seen him in at least two months. Although they were happy I was falling apart or so that's how I felt. When they came home that day I waited with open to arms to hear how their day went. They were ecstatic telling me all about the things they had done that day and looking forward to the next time they got to see 'daddy'. But when that day came he didn't call and when my son tried calling him he left him message after message with no response. I tried to comfort them telling them that maybe he got tied up at work he'll call back. That call didn't come for weeks they tried to contact him to no avail. How could he do this to them? Then one morning the call came it was a month later. When I asked him where he had been they had been calling him he responded with " I won't have someone 'babysit' me with my children I would rather not see them at all" I couldn't believe he was saying this he was their father and he had already hurt them I had to protect them and since DCF had allowed me to pick who supervised the children with him I wouldn't let him just take them on his own. (I had already chosen someone who was his friend to make it easier for him). Needless to say we argued and I hung up he didn't see them that day either. Then again another phone call the next morning this time to ask if he could see them to say goodbye, this was the day he was leaving state because of the agreement he made with the States Attorney and he wanted to see the children. I allowed it meeting him at the end of my parents driveway he gave them both a big hug told them he loved them and he promised "I'll see you soon". That day was not to come.

The end of a bad marriage

My ex husband and I divorced over 9 years ago and since then he has not seen my children. My son is 18 now and my daughter is 16 they are the most precious things I have ever created and I just can't understand why it is their father does not want to be part of their lives. I have pushed for a relationship between them for many many years to no avail. Was he a good father before you ask? Well I had thought yes at the time until one day I walked in and caught my ex punching my son so hard in the chest that it sent him barreling into a wall about 5 feet up he slid down and hit the floor unable to move or speak for his father had knocked the wind right out of him. Yes I lost it I went after my ex with a knife I did not actually cut him although I surely wanted to. He had just done the unthinkable he hurt my baby. I had to get them out of there and away from this man. I should have seen this coming he had been abusive to me for years before but I honestly never thought he would hurt my son the way he did. But he did so where to go from there I was unsure. Of course I would leave him but where would I go? Thank god for my parents who opened their home to me and my children if not for them I don't think I would have had the strength to leave. Of course my ex promised to change but just like all the other abusive men out there that promise sounded sincere only when I started to buy it but the minute I said no I won't do this anymore he became mean and viscous again. That is how they control you I see that now. Men like my ex husband never change and it is the children who suffer. I feel like this world has let us down. I had to endure months of his constant badgering and threats if I didn't go back to him. While I was staying at my parents home (they were staying in Virginia a far cry from where their home was in CT) I would wake up (after falling asleep in their very comfy jacuzzi tub) to him standing over me saying that he could kill me right now and no one would ever know! Obviously now as I say it I know that was a stupid thing for him to say since of course someone would find me but unfortunately that would have been my children. He just wanted to scare me and that he did. I endured many years of abuse at the hands of this man already and I did not want to do it anymore. I called the police on many occasions to no avail nothing was ever done I got a restraining order and a protective order to keep him away a lot of good that did he would sit outside my parents home and watch my every move. The final straw was when in the middle of the night he tampered with my van and drained the oil out so when I put my children in it in the morning to drive them to school half way there the van died and we almost crashed going off the road. The police were called and they investigated to find a wrench under where I had parked my van, Yes he left the evidence behind but again on like every other occasion they did nothing saying it was hard to prove that he did this. But guess what when they went to 'talk' to him he admitted what he had done. He was arrested on Tampering with a motor vehicle, violation of a restraining order,violation of a protective order (3 counts one for me and two for my children) and 2 counts of risk of injury to a minor. Now I know what your thinking that's a lot of felony counts finally he went to jail right...wrong the state made a deal with him they would drop ALL charges if he left the state so that is what he did. Ever since it has been a road of hell to try to collect my child support the state gave him a free pass he was gone and my children and I would struggle for the next 9 years attempting to get the child support they deserve. Just in case your wondering yes I am still fighting for my children he currently owes $60,000 in back child support the journey continues.